All over the country Memorial Day weekend marks the beginning of summer. Swimming pools and the beaches are opening in anticipation of kids getting out of school.

My annual tour of the neighborhood backyard pool parties is always preceded by a ceremonial scramble through the malls in search of a new swimsuit. Swimsuit shopping used to be so much fun…back when I was in my twenties. Now I’d rather have a root canal than try on a new swimsuit.
Surveys show that a resounding ninety percent of women are concerned with their appearance in a swimsuit, and nearly half feel anxiety ridden about shopping for a swimsuit. That’s probably not too much of a surprise for you if you’re in that half who hate shopping for swimwear.
Memorial Day just sneaks up on me. I feel I’ll be ready to wear a swimsuit by the Fourth of July, but by then all the good suits will be gone. So I drag my pasty white body to the mall.
Whether you’re average size, super-skinny or obese, the good news is that there is a swimsuit for you — and you should put it on, go outside and wear it, regardless of worrying about your appearance. After all, most women you’ll see at the pool or the beach will be just like you. And few will notice, let alone care about, other people’s cellulite; many will probably be too busy fretting about their own bodily flaws.
In our country, there’s a lot of talk about body-image. I have no desire to carry around an image of my body in my head. Just like a car wreck on the freeway, I know something unpleasant has happened and it’s best not to look.
So, you’re not a bikini-perfect supermodel — but really, not many women are. Every woman has some cellulite, and imperfections, even that airbrushed model that is off-the-scale thin. So, just get out there and enjoy the summer!
What I’ve learned this week, centers around swimming suit anxiety. Remember to take a good friend and your humor with you while you shop for that perfect suit!

• My daughter and I went shopping for bathing suits at a factory outlet mall, where you go to buy mistakes.

• A five dollar NEW swimsuit, Awesome…with three cups.

• Nothing could be worse than a profession in retail swimwear in May.

• Tankinis, one-pieces, bikinis, two-pieces, skirtinis: the choices are vast for women swimwear.

• We ended up at an upscale department store and here are some of the comments we heard coming from the dressing rooms while trying on swimsuits:

• A lady screeches at the dressing room attendant, “This is NOT one size fits all!”

• “It’s your grandma’s bathing suit, but in a two piece.”

• “It doesn’t look like sausage, does it? “

• Wild hysterical laughter. Pause. “This is utterly disgusting.”

• Friend A said, “What do you think?” Long pause. Friend B said, “Well, the color looks good on you.”

• “I need something to stuff in here, to fill it up.” “Try those do dads.”

• “OMG. This can’t be all there is to this suit!”

• “You can still wear a two-piece bathing suit?” “Well, as long as one of them runs the length of my whole body.”

• “My bra and underwear could pass better for a swimsuit than this!”

• “I think I am wearing this one inside out.”

• “I think this has a built-in ‘wonder where they went’ bra.”

• “When I bend over this suit is so tight the bottom hurts like I’m having a baby again.”

• “This is just obscene.”

• “All I need is a little wind in this swimsuit- and I could go parasailing.”

• “This suit isn’t bad… with a cover-up…like a raincoat.”

• “This suit is really conservative. I could put a skirt on it and wear it to church!”

• “When it comes to swimwear, size really does matter.”

• “This suit is really cute, but it’s metallic and is decorated with sequins. I like it- but I can’t go near the water. I mean I can’t get it sopping wet, maybe just a few sprinkles of water on it.”

• “You can use stick-um spray on your butt to keep the suit from riding up.” “Hairspray works too.” Who knew?

• “You can use duct tape underneath your breasts to create cleavage.” (The wonder of duct tape ceases to amaze me. Who knew the application of electrical tape to ones breasts is mainstay practice at beauty pageants?)

• I hear Spandex makes a two hundred dollar suit that sucks everything in and keeps it there even when you get in the water.

• Swimsuits show off body art. I tell my kids, “I’d get a tattoo if I had any skin tight enough to draw on.”

• When you get to be my age, not even a day at the beach, is a day at the beach.

• To me summer is just one long hot flash.

• Now I know why men don’t wear bikini bottoms, it would pinch their twins.
Other things I’ve learned in Life this week.
• Picnics would not be complete without sticking my hand or a foot into a pile of fire ants.

• The parents of the two year old Indonesian boy that smokes cigarettes could use an ass whooping.

• BP; Dolphins with mops, really? Try the oil whisper, or aquaman, or club soda (I heard it gets everything out) or try my favorite, duct tape.

• The BP PR; “Catastrophe is a strong word, let’s all agree to call it a whoopsie daisy.”

• This week BP got the concession call from Exxon Valdez. They were great competitors but BP oilspill won.

• Oh man, this whole time BP has been trying to stop SEAWATER from gushing into our OIL. Stupid Terry was holding the diagram upside down.

• My memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory is not as sharp as it used to be.

Did you have a great Memorial weekend?  What did you learn in LIFE this week? Let me know!

Super Mom Writing and Juggling

This past weekend, I took my daily horoscope to heart, “Disrupt your normal weekend routine and choose some new kind of playful recreation.” Jimmy Buffett concert & tailgating party all day here we come!
The RVs, Golf Carts, and fifth wheels had been flowing into our small town since Friday morning before the Saturday concert. Jimmy Buffett turned downtown Frisco, Tx into Margaritaville for the day!

Parrot heads, finhats, shark-tail trucks, coconut bras…on men, motorized coolers, grass skirts, pirates, Hawaiian shirts, no shirts, Hula blow-up dolls, RV city , landshark, boats, sand, Captain Morgan, Tiki bars… and a LOT of fun. Even if you don’t like his music you can’t help but have a good time when the streets are blocked off & the police stop traffic for a herd of motorized ice chests to cross the street.
My random thoughts from what I learned this past weekend from doing something totally out of the ordinary plus what I learned doing all my ordinary routines.

• I learned that a typical audience at a JB concert consist of partying mid-life crisis victims, partying grandmothers, partying teens, partying thirty something’s, or generally anybody or anything with the partying adjective as a prefix.

• Have you seen a trailer come by called Leaky Tiki?

• Jimmy Buffett is more than a band; he’s a human tourist attraction and a lifestyle.

• Audience participation at a Jimmy Buffett concert is a must and being able to recite every word to every song with hand motions is a prerequisite to being a true parrothead.

• What could be more fun than a weekend long tailgate party with 40,000 of your closest friends and parrotheads?

• Gas powered motorized coolers meet motorized wheelchairs with built-in margarita blender.

• After a day of recuperating from the concert, I squeezed in watching the end of the drama series LOST. Don’t worry I won’t spoil the ending if you DVRed it, because I was LOST.

• Spoiler alert…they’ve been dead the whole time.  

• If you want to continue watching a drama about people LOST in the middle of the ocean, check out BP.

• Firstly, I will say that was absolutely my last comment about LOST. Secondly, I swear.

• But speaking of series endings, I will miss the cha-CHUNG of the original Law & Order.

• In my moment of vulnerability, please see me for what I am — not what others think I should be. He He He

• We have two coolers in our backyard containing a Tiki torch, a putter, a wrench, duct tape, WD40 and an army of ants. Packed and prepared for Memorial Day picnics.

• To get my daily dose of self-esteem, I only need to stop by our local Walmart.

• Our local ER (Doc in the Box) should have frequent visitor punch cards. My family would have had a free visit by now.

• Honey, when the car door is open you shouldn’t bend your forehead into it.

• I learned that using duct tape to seal a deep cut, does actually work. Thus adding stitches later by the doctor is very painful because the skin has healed around the cut. OUCH!

• I learned that when my hubby gets four stitches, I faint and when my daughter gets a penicillin shot in her butt, she faints.

• A quick shot of espresso and a personal assistant is all I need. Well that, and a cleaning lady.

• My daughter takes after me. She left me this voicemail, “Mom, if you get this message, call me; if you don’t, then don’t worry about it.”

• Forget climbing Mount Everest, I just want to be SuperMOM…I want to be a great mom, a great sales professional, and a great writer.

• I am greedy. I do want it all!

Let me hear from you. What did you learn in life?  What did you do different from your normal routine? What is your favorite form of recreation?  What did your family, kids, colleagues, co-workers, and friends teach you this week?   

Super Mom Able to Leap Large piles of Laundry ....

I went to Orlando for a few days this week for business, not pleasure. But enjoyed myself as usual. However, traveling can be a pain sometimes. Here  are my random thoughts for this week and what I learned. 

Even after missing my flight to Orlando and feeling a little ruffled, I knew that my travel exploits would leave me with some enchanting and sometimes exhilarating experiences. Whoever coined the phrase, “No pain, No Gain”, was not only a poet, but a wise poet.

Traveling, I discover great stories and encounter once in a lifetime experiences. I saw the oil spill in the gulf from 9,000 feet high as it oozed its way towards the Florida Keys. Incredible. I received a crash course on the new iPAD from my seatmate. Unbelievable. I saw Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse greet a group of smiling, handicapped children. Indescribable. I watched and felt a pair of iguanas chase each other under my lounge chair, oblivious to my toes. Unhinging.

Centuries ago, St Augustine wrote, “The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.”

Enjoy and let me know what you learned from traveling too!

• The only highway into the airport should not be closed for paving at 7:00 am. Period.

•  I learned  I cuss like a sailor when I’m stuck in traffic rushing to catch a flight, not directed at my driver, my hubby, which is possibly a marital record.

• “You’ll be fine” hubby says, referring to making my flight. Fine, the scariest word in urban language. Well, that and departed.

• TSA only does a special inspection of my carry-on luggage when I’m late.

• TSA can always find my missing, half-used lipstick tube, inside a luggage flap I didn’t know existed.

• Missing a plane when it’s still at the gate, but the boarding doors are closed, sucks, especially when upgraded to first class. Really sucks.

• Freakin. Friggin. Frickin. I can cope with anything if I have a good “F” word substitute.

• On my plane to Orlando, there was a baby across the aisle from me, a baby in front of me and a baby behind me. They were all crying. I think airplanes should have a “No baby” section.

• Ditto in security lines. Frequent Traveler, Casual Traveler, and Travelers with Baby/Kids.

• Once or twice a month my name makes the top boards list; “The standby list at the airports.”

• I learned that Platinum is more precious and worth more as a status at an airport, then it is in jewelry.

• When I said good bye to my kids this week, as I was leaving for three days, my daughter piped up she wouldn’t miss me. She said she never misses me when I’m gone. Nice.

• You really don’t want to order decaffeinated coffee on an airplane, at least according to my flight attendant. She would have to boil the water, find the Folgers crystals package and stir it up. I would be considered the complicated passenger with special needs. Water, please.

• Welcome to WDW hotel. You’re in room 1256-5, to get there, take a left at the shark tanks, cross under the waterfalls, wind pass the dolphin pool, and then take the third set of elevators inside the double doors, to the 5th floor, catch the 2nd tram, then follow the green carpet…why is everything so
S p r e a d o u t in Walt Disney World?

• Following the plot to LOST is more plausible than finding my room at the WDW Hotel.

• My hotel alarm clock always goes off at midnight, thirty minutes after I finally fall asleep.

• Alligators, pythons and bears. Oh my. Beware of Bears in Florida? The concierge warned me to watch out for black bears after directing me to a wooded, unlit jogging path route in the area.

• Sure, I enjoyed watching the fireworks from my hotel room every night, while eating cheesecake and drinking chocolate shakes from room service. I think I need to call child services and have them take me away from myself.

• Did you know vinegar soothes sunburn? Who knew? The burning went away but I smelled like a salad.

• Did you know kid’s blood curdling screams from jumping in swimming pools travel more at night?

• For a writer, what better place to visit than Walt Disney World. I already have made-up characters and make believe places living in my head.

• If WDW is kindling creative energy that fuels my brain, imagine what I can do in Las Vegas!

• Road Warrior has a whole new meaning.

• “We know why you fly”, really?

Do you have any traveling experiences to share? What did you learn in LIFE? 

I have had my Facebook friends say they enjoy reading my microblogs (my posts). So I thought I would do a weekly post with some of those random thoughts in a list and some of what I have learned over the week, day and years. As a writer, when I get a random thought, I usually jot it down in my notebook where ever I am, and whenever the mood strikes me. A lot of times, I’ll read the one liners later and wonder WTF? Where did that come from? So don’t ask. They made sense at the time! Enjoy and let me hear your thoughts too!

* Thanks to all my FB friends for wishing me happy birthday!

* I learned you should put on your waterproof mascara BEFORE your brand new white pants…especially if you’re clumsy.

* Why does my hairdresser always plan a two week sabbatical around the time my hair needs cutting?

* Don’t get a free haircut, from a beginner cosmetologist, the day of your birthday party.

* Jump out of the chair and run to the nearest exit, when your new cosmetologist’s hand is shaking so much, he can’t hold the scissors straight.

* A free haircut costs $100.00 to fix.

* Stupid drivers come out of the woodwork on weekends!

* It’s true; you still need to do chores on your birthday.

* I don’t find insects amusing.

* Yes kids, mom was wrong, chocolate milk does not come from chocolate cows.

* Why do June bugs show up in May in Texas?

* Always chipper people worry me.

* For my birthday, I spent half a day at the beauty salon- and that was just for the estimate!

* It’s really hot when my flip flops get sweaty.

* Don’t ride your mountain bike, after you get a bikini wax. Trust me on that one.

* It is true that a cockroach can walk around for days without a head. Don’t ask me how I know this.

* Watching my son’s hockey game today reminds me that the game is a form of chaos, encased in glass with little controls.

* Season finales suck. Rob Lowe (Senator McCalister) didn’t make it, but we already knew that, since we’ll be seeing him on Parks & Recreation.

* Brand new lipsticks always get lost. I have used up tubes of lipsticks in every purse I own.

Have a great week!

I have had my Facebook friends say they enjoy reading my microblogs (my posts). So I thought I would do a weekly post with some of those random thoughts in a list and some of what I have learned over the week, day and years. As a writer, when I get a random thought, I usually jot it down in my notebook wherever I am, and whenever the mood strikes me. A lot of times, I’ll read the one liners later and wonder WTF? Where did that come from? So don’t ask. They made sense at the time! Enjoy and let me hear your thoughts too!

* The dishes STILL do not clean by themselves, even on Mother’s Day!

* Chocolate, chocolate pancakes (chocolate batter with chocolate chips and homemade whip cream) make EVERYTHING better.

* It was election week in our town. The cheapest way to have your family tree traced is to run for office.

* I learned I’m like an elephant on Mother’s Day weekend. An elephant spends 23 hours a day eating.

* A half of grapefruit for breakfast and lunch on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday is the punishment for a wild, indulging weekend.

* Betty White rocked on SNL. She’s awesome any time, but especially at her age. She said she doesn’t get facebook. At 88 years old, if she wants to reconnect with old friends, she needs an Ouija board.

* Our backyard is really green… where the dogs fertilize.

* I’d like to see more card-carrying AARP members host SNL; Don Rickles, Phyllis Dillar & Bob Newhart are all worthy.

* Why does every printer in our house run out of ink, after I just returned from buying printer paper at the store?

* I’m not sure what’s worse; cobwebs or dog hairballs.

* Posting on FaceBook what a wonderful hubby, kids, life you have, after my day sucked, does nothing but piss me off.

* Found my son’s lost Nintendo DS, at the bottom of the washing machine.

* Never, NEVER hold a hot cup of coffee between your legs for one moment while driving…slamming on the brakes can cause burns on your lady parts.

* Never ask a fat lady in the elevator at your OBGYN offices, when she’s due.

* CSI Sarasota on SNL, need I say more!

* My birthday is this weekend. I’ve been told I look like I did ten years ago…of course…it just takes me longer to get to look like that.

* My new make-up has putty and spackling in it.

* I have always known , that duct tape and WD 40 fixes anything at our house.

* I dream of a California closet full of designer mules, pumps and stilettos, but instead have a pile of flip flops.

* I grind my teeth. I will probably be laid to rest with a teeth guard in my mouth.

* Guys just do not think like girls. Period.

Have a great week!   How was your Mother’s Day?  What are your special traditions on Mother’s Day?