All over the country Memorial Day weekend marks the beginning of summer. Swimming pools and the beaches are opening in anticipation of kids getting out of school.
My annual tour of the neighborhood backyard pool parties is always preceded by a ceremonial scramble through the malls in search of a new swimsuit. Swimsuit shopping used to be so much fun…back when I was in my twenties. Now I’d rather have a root canal than try on a new swimsuit.
Surveys show that a resounding ninety percent of women are concerned with their appearance in a swimsuit, and nearly half feel anxiety ridden about shopping for a swimsuit. That’s probably not too much of a surprise for you if you’re in that half who hate shopping for swimwear.
Memorial Day just sneaks up on me. I feel I’ll be ready to wear a swimsuit by the Fourth of July, but by then all the good suits will be gone. So I drag my pasty white body to the mall.
Whether you’re average size, super-skinny or obese, the good news is that there is a swimsuit for you — and you should put it on, go outside and wear it, regardless of worrying about your appearance. After all, most women you’ll see at the pool or the beach will be just like you. And few will notice, let alone care about, other people’s cellulite; many will probably be too busy fretting about their own bodily flaws.
In our country, there’s a lot of talk about body-image. I have no desire to carry around an image of my body in my head. Just like a car wreck on the freeway, I know something unpleasant has happened and it’s best not to look.
So, you’re not a bikini-perfect supermodel — but really, not many women are. Every woman has some cellulite, and imperfections, even that airbrushed model that is off-the-scale thin. So, just get out there and enjoy the summer!
What I’ve learned this week, centers around swimming suit anxiety. Remember to take a good friend and your humor with you while you shop for that perfect suit!
• My daughter and I went shopping for bathing suits at a factory outlet mall, where you go to buy mistakes.
• A five dollar NEW swimsuit, Awesome…with three cups.
• Nothing could be worse than a profession in retail swimwear in May.
• Tankinis, one-pieces, bikinis, two-pieces, skirtinis: the choices are vast for women swimwear.
• We ended up at an upscale department store and here are some of the comments we heard coming from the dressing rooms while trying on swimsuits:
• A lady screeches at the dressing room attendant, “This is NOT one size fits all!”
• “It’s your grandma’s bathing suit, but in a two piece.”
• “It doesn’t look like sausage, does it? “
• Wild hysterical laughter. Pause. “This is utterly disgusting.”
• Friend A said, “What do you think?” Long pause. Friend B said, “Well, the color looks good on you.”
• “I need something to stuff in here, to fill it up.” “Try those do dads.”
• “OMG. This can’t be all there is to this suit!”
• “You can still wear a two-piece bathing suit?” “Well, as long as one of them runs the length of my whole body.”
• “My bra and underwear could pass better for a swimsuit than this!”
• “I think I am wearing this one inside out.”
• “I think this has a built-in ‘wonder where they went’ bra.”
• “When I bend over this suit is so tight the bottom hurts like I’m having a baby again.”
• “This is just obscene.”
• “All I need is a little wind in this swimsuit- and I could go parasailing.”
• “This suit isn’t bad… with a cover-up…like a raincoat.”
• “This suit is really conservative. I could put a skirt on it and wear it to church!”
• “When it comes to swimwear, size really does matter.”
• “This suit is really cute, but it’s metallic and is decorated with sequins. I like it- but I can’t go near the water. I mean I can’t get it sopping wet, maybe just a few sprinkles of water on it.”
• “You can use stick-um spray on your butt to keep the suit from riding up.” “Hairspray works too.” Who knew?
• “You can use duct tape underneath your breasts to create cleavage.” (The wonder of duct tape ceases to amaze me. Who knew the application of electrical tape to ones breasts is mainstay practice at beauty pageants?)
• I hear Spandex makes a two hundred dollar suit that sucks everything in and keeps it there even when you get in the water.
• Swimsuits show off body art. I tell my kids, “I’d get a tattoo if I had any skin tight enough to draw on.”
• When you get to be my age, not even a day at the beach, is a day at the beach.
• To me summer is just one long hot flash.
• Now I know why men don’t wear bikini bottoms, it would pinch their twins.
Other things I’ve learned in Life this week.
• Picnics would not be complete without sticking my hand or a foot into a pile of fire ants.
• The parents of the two year old Indonesian boy that smokes cigarettes could use an ass whooping.
• BP; Dolphins with mops, really? Try the oil whisper, or aquaman, or club soda (I heard it gets everything out) or try my favorite, duct tape.
• The BP PR; “Catastrophe is a strong word, let’s all agree to call it a whoopsie daisy.”
• This week BP got the concession call from Exxon Valdez. They were great competitors but BP oilspill won.
• Oh man, this whole time BP has been trying to stop SEAWATER from gushing into our OIL. Stupid Terry was holding the diagram upside down.
• My memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Did you have a great Memorial weekend? What did you learn in LIFE this week? Let me know!